hi bye

My brain is working much faster than I can act (or react) so I've spent the whole of last week feeling like I was living in my head and day-to-day interacts seemed pointless. I've also come to realize the importance of what my dad calls "RAM Dumps". It's basically just dumping every single thought/to-do item on a piece of paper. I always feel so much better once it's all down on paper and then I spend a while just staring at it and doing nothing about it.

My thoughts and feelings are really cluttered as of now so most of the time I don't know what I'm feeling and I'm constantly worrying about things that need to be done. I realize that I'm not a very organized person when it comes to my physical spaces but the same can be applied to my thought process, which I find really worrying because I crave order and organization. I spend an insane amount of money on too many notebooks which are always left lying around half complete. I've got about ten years worth of random shit that was in my desk lying in ugly cartons near my bed and that's just adding to mental ugliness. My dad has been talking a lot about "broken windows", which is a term that refers to disorder in your life. I guess it could be stuff in your surroundings, or perhaps people in your life, or just thoughts. I should ask him about it, because it's a fascinating concept. My living spaces are full of broken windows: broken earphones, dirty shoes, unfolded clothes, plastic bags, old basketballs and scraps of paper (these are basically just items I can see from my position on the bed). My thoughts are also broken windows: I've been grappling with what seems to be a conflict between introversion and extroversion. I can't figure out if I'm introverted or just lazy. I love spending time by myself but lately it always hits me badly when I know my friends are out there, living it up, and I'm just in my room doing unproductive things. I (most of the time at least) attribute my seclusion to the fact that I'm just too lazy to get dressed and figure out a system of getting home late at night. Perhaps it's to do with the fact that I always feel like I'm answerable to my parents, and this makes me extremely anxious so I just choose not to go out so I don't need to deal with it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just making it a bigger problem in my head, or perhaps I'm just trying to excuse my introverted behaviour. I don't know.

Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.
-Quiet, Susan Cain 

I just finished Quiet by Susan Cain. Agreed, it took me two months to finish, but it was so worth it. I think it worked great not only as an interesting take on psychology and culture, but it also served as a self-help book (My dad begged me not to read self-help books, claiming that they would ruin my life. This blog post is probably just about everything my dad told me.). I've always felt like I need to make excuses for not only my behaviour when I want to stay at home or not go for parties, but also for my entire family's (We're just a bunch of homebodies living together). I felt like Quiet really made my appreciate my own- and others'- "I'd rather be by myself or with a small bunch of people" qualities. I don't consider myself a shy person, so the fact that extroversion and shyness may go hand-in-hand was also interesting. This was a really eye-opening book.

I haven't been reading lately, for whatever reason. I need a book to grab me and force me to stay up and devour it. The last book that had this effect on me was The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. It had the perfect blend of a gothic mystery, creepy houses, fucked up families and secrets. I dig that kind of stuff. I was left pretty disappointed by Stoker, which I thought I would love because it seemed to have the same formula of secrets and gothic undertones and general fucked up behaviour.

I loved Is Everyone Hanging Out With Me? by Mindy Kaling. I don't usually laugh out loud while reading nor do I read memoirs in the first place but this was one was s fluffy and breezy and it was exactly what I needed.

The weather is perfect right now (oh god, I've become one of those people who talk about weather TO THEMSELVES). It's usually exactly the right amount of cloudy and windy and it was almost worth going through almost four months of unbearable heat just for the weather we're experiencing right now. My friend was telling me about a midnight car ride on the highway. On of our friends was driving at 140 (uncool. I'm terrified of speeding) but these two guys were up on the top of the car (as I write this, I realize the absolute danger of the the situation.), with the wind on their faces and all that jazz. I don't think I'd ever do something like this but it sounds perfect only because of the wind. I feel like I need to write long, lengthy posts about how the wind makes me feel. Instead, I just listen to Colours of the Wind (actually, I don't. I imagine listening to the song while I'm enjoying the wind. Thus, I've concluded with one more void paragraph).

I'm going to go and enjoy the wind and drink lemon tea (which I learned how to make. One step closer to adulthood. I also drove today. Goodbye childhood). But before I do, I need to share this song, which is the most perfect thing I've heard lately.

West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band- I Won't Hurt You

I'm an untouched diamond
That's golden and brilliant without illumination
Your mouth's a constellation
Stars are in your eyes
I'll take a spaceship
And try and go and find you

I know psychadia is a result of the 60s but to me, this song sounds so beyond its years, especially since it was recorded in the 60s. I don't think I'm being very articulate, but eh whatever. Everyone should be one step closer to finding themselves through this song.

Also, one last thing. The broken windows theory actually exists, but it's a criminological theory! I need to start looking up everything.