I Am A Crier

Ever since I was little, I've always looked up to girls (and guys, for that matter) who seem to have their shit together. I've always tried to ape that aspect of the character's (or person's) personality. For example, Kristy from the Babysitters Club Series. She was the toughest chick in the series and she never ever cried.

For the longest time, I associated crying with weakness. I was extremely careful never to cry in public or in front of my friends. I wanted to be thought of as cool and composed and I wanted to be there for the friends who I thought needed me because they cried in front of me. 

It's taken me a really long time to realize that I'm a crier. I cry for everything. I cry during movies and songs, I cry when sad and tragic things happen to people, I cry when I see other people get humiliated or embarrassed or rejected, I cried when I saw a lion in a cage during my first visit to the zoo, I cry when people make fun of my cooking, and most of all, I cry every time my parents sit down to have a talk with me.  I guess you could call it a lecture or just general reminders that I'm not functioning to my potential or that my general apathy is going to get me nowhere in life or even simple issues like drinking (which, at least in my case, is not simple at all). This is really embarrassing because 97% of the time I end up in tears at the end of these "discussions" and furthermore, it's incredibly frustrating because I want my parents to take me seriously and treat me like an adult, but how the fuck are they supposed to manage that if I end up bawling like a baby  all the time?! 

I've had time to reconcile the fact that crying isn't actually a sign of immaturity or the fact that you're can't handle life or that you're a pussy. I know several adults who cry for everything, including my grandmother and a distant aunt and I don't think that makes them any less strong or capable. I admire people who are stoic and I think it's a useful trait, but that's just me. 

I remember really worrying about the fact that every little thing made me cry but then I'm trying to realize it's just easier (and better) to embrace who you are and work with it instead of trying to be somebody who you really aren't (cool and composed). But then, again, I don't know anybody who is purely stoic or purely a crier or emotional. So basically this whole post is a waste of time, because to my family I'm probably an emotional train-wreck but to my friends I've probably got my shit together so instead of worrying about all these stupid things, I should probably concentrate on doing something productive like writing a novel or learning to play an instrument but look! This is me brushing off feelings and all I want to be is somebody who is in touch with her feelings so where does this leave me? 

I've decided I'm going to make a zine on crying because what else am I going to do with my time? Also, crying while walking in the rain and listening to The Moon by Cat Power is probably the best way to get your shit together.